1
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:06,548
Here. This is for you.

2
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:10,969
Thank you.

3
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:14,014
And I didn't get you anything.

4
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,516
It's your kid's toilet seat.

5
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,353
It's obviously in his way,
and I'm tired of cleaning it.

6
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,980
Oh, come on, Berta.

7
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,483
- He's 11.
- He's a pig.

8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,193
I'll talk to him.

9
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,445
While you're at it,
you may wanna mention...

10
00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:30,948
...the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches
in his toy chest...

11
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,866
...the dead marine life
at the back of the closet...

12
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,327
...and the booger collection
under the bed.

13
00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:37,537
I'll do my best
to address your concerns.

14
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,832
Don't condescend to me, Zippy.
I'll snap you like a butter bean.

15
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:44,586
Excuse me. Is one of you Alan?

16
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,678
I'm Alan.

17
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,639
Oh, good.
Charlie wants you to come upstairs.

18
00:00:56,098 --> 00:01:00,185
- Why?
- Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

19
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:03,105
- Try.
- Oh, yeah, try.

20
00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:05,440
Well, he's kind of stuck.

21
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,320
- In what?
- In what?

22
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,865
Not in anything, just stuck.

23
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,451
Would you hurry?

24
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:22,833
- Where are you going?
- Oh, like I'm gonna miss this?

25
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:30,007
Charlie? Are you okay?

26
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:33,468
Do I look okay?

27
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:38,473
- What happened?
- I pulled my back.

28
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,768
I didn't do anything. I was lying there
and he started screaming.

29
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:44,896
- I understand.
- I mean, I wasn't just lying there.

30
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:48,275
- I got it.
- Damn, I wish I had a camera.

31
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:51,403
That's okay. It's all on video.

32
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,452
Alan, you're a chiropractor.
Do something.

33
00:02:07,952 --> 00:02:09,912
Really? You want my help?

34
00:02:10,079 --> 00:02:12,915
Even after you referred to
my profession as, what was it...

35
00:02:13,082 --> 00:02:14,750
..."urban voodoo"?

36
00:02:15,710 --> 00:02:17,962
I'm sorry. Now help me.

37
00:02:18,129 --> 00:02:20,131
Okay. Okay.
We'll see what we can do.

38
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,430
Yeah, yeah, okay,
very funny, very funny.

39
00:02:27,597 --> 00:02:30,266
Hold on.
Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster.

40
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:32,643
Check your kid's room.

41
00:02:33,311 --> 00:02:36,314
Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're
not feeling well, but I have an audition.

42
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,817
- Go.
- It's a Wheat Thins commercial.

43
00:02:40,318 --> 00:02:43,404
- I'm an actress.
- Of course you are.

44
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:45,531
I had a nice time, Charlie.

45
00:02:46,157 --> 00:02:47,783
- I'll call you.
- Great.

46
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,036
Oh, if you find my tongue stud,
let me know.

47
00:02:52,747 --> 00:02:54,957
Okay, let's see what we've got here.

48
00:02:55,625 --> 00:02:58,127
- Is this tender?
- A little.

49
00:02:58,294 --> 00:03:01,172
- On a scale of one to ten?
- I don't know. Three?

50
00:03:01,339 --> 00:03:04,425
- Okay, what about this?
- Four.

51
00:03:04,592 --> 00:03:06,928
And what about this?

52
00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:11,182
I'm gonna need a number, Charlie.

53
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:13,976
No, no, I changed my mind.
Leave me alone.

54
00:03:14,143 --> 00:03:16,270
Oh, don't be a baby.

55
00:03:16,437 --> 00:03:18,439
- Stay away.
- I have to examine you.

56
00:03:18,606 --> 00:03:20,900
- It's okay. I'm better.
- No, you're not.

57
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:24,070
- Now, stop moving.
- Really, I'm fine. Just don't...

58
00:03:26,989 --> 00:03:30,826
Ten. Ten. That's a ten.

59
00:03:31,243 --> 00:03:34,246
- Are you happy?
- Do I look happy?

60
00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:37,500
Let's get you back on the bed
so I can give you an adjustment.

61
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:39,001
No, no, no, no. New plan.

62
00:03:39,168 --> 00:03:41,128
I need someone
who can give me drugs.

63
00:03:41,295 --> 00:03:44,298
I'm not holding,
but I can make a couple calls.

64
00:03:44,465 --> 00:03:46,175
Drugs just mask the problem.

65
00:03:46,342 --> 00:03:49,679
Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it,
and let it fight crime.

66
00:03:49,845 --> 00:03:51,764
I just want it to go away.

67
00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:55,601
Good news. I think I know where
Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud.

68
00:04:01,232 --> 00:04:02,692
For the love of God.

69
00:04:03,859 --> 00:04:06,988
Oh, mommy.

70
00:04:10,449 --> 00:04:12,118
Feeling better?

71
00:04:12,326 --> 00:04:15,287
No, I just passed out for a second.

72
00:04:17,248 --> 00:04:19,333
Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie
to the doctor.

73
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:21,836
- You keep an eye on Jake.
- Fine.

74
00:04:22,002 --> 00:04:23,713
Whoa, hey.

75
00:04:23,879 --> 00:04:26,090
And please put his toilet seat back on.

76
00:04:30,761 --> 00:04:33,097
I really think you should
put on your seat belt.

77
00:04:33,431 --> 00:04:35,558
Do you now?

78
00:04:35,891 --> 00:04:39,770
Did you forget it took three of us
just to put on my shorts?

79
00:04:39,937 --> 00:04:43,607
Suit yourself. I should call your doctor
and tell him we're coming.

80
00:04:43,774 --> 00:04:46,110
- What's his number?
- I don't know.

81
00:04:46,277 --> 00:04:51,073
All right, I'll call directory assistance.
What's his name? Where's he located?

82
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,826
Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills.

83
00:04:54,785 --> 00:04:58,789
- You're kidding, right?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?

84
00:04:59,582 --> 00:05:01,208
Well, I need a first name.

85
00:05:03,669 --> 00:05:07,548
I remember his
receptionist's name. Julie.

86
00:05:07,715 --> 00:05:10,384
Cute redhead with a slight
speech impediment.

87
00:05:10,551 --> 00:05:12,470
She called me "Charlie."

88
00:05:15,097 --> 00:05:16,765
I almost asked her out once...

89
00:05:16,932 --> 00:05:19,310
...but I couldn't face
the inevitable phone calls.

90
00:05:19,477 --> 00:05:23,439
"I love you, Charlie.
Don't leave me."

91
00:05:23,981 --> 00:05:27,818
Yeah, yeah,
and your doctor's first name is?

92
00:05:29,278 --> 00:05:30,696
Oh, I have no idea.

93
00:05:31,906 --> 00:05:33,699
Idiot.

94
00:05:35,159 --> 00:05:37,578
Yes, Beverly Hills, California.

95
00:05:37,745 --> 00:05:39,872
Dr. Schwartz.

96
00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:42,291
Yeah, I don't know the first name.

97
00:05:42,541 --> 00:05:44,919
No, I'm not kidding.

98
00:05:46,378 --> 00:05:49,507
There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes
in Beverly Hills.

99
00:05:49,673 --> 00:05:51,217
What street is he on?

100
00:05:51,383 --> 00:05:53,219
Wilshire Boulevard, I think.

101
00:05:53,385 --> 00:05:56,180
Wilshire Boulevard, we think.

102
00:05:56,931 --> 00:05:59,475
Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes.

103
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:03,854
Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire.
I'll know the building when I see it.

104
00:06:04,021 --> 00:06:05,564
Never mind, we're gonna play...

105
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:07,816
...Find the Jewish
Doctor in Beverly Hills.

106
00:06:08,609 --> 00:06:09,985
Wait, wait. There it is.

107
00:06:15,491 --> 00:06:17,576
Now, you see,
that wouldn't have happened...

108
00:06:17,743 --> 00:06:19,995
...if you'd been wearing your seat belt.

109
00:06:20,454 --> 00:06:22,790
Alan, if I can ever use my legs again...

110
00:06:22,957 --> 00:06:27,378
...the first thing I'm gonna do
is kick your ass into your throat.

111
00:06:35,427 --> 00:06:37,680
That's not Julie.

112
00:06:39,306 --> 00:06:43,269
- So?
- It's just important to me that you know.

113
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:46,689
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper.

114
00:06:46,855 --> 00:06:49,483
- I need to see my doctor.
- Do you have an appointment?

115
00:06:49,650 --> 00:06:51,068
No, but this is an emergency.

116
00:06:51,235 --> 00:06:53,904
He has to get back to Notre Dame
and ring the bell.

117
00:06:55,489 --> 00:06:59,368
Oh, I get it. He's hunched over.
That's funny.

118
00:07:01,078 --> 00:07:03,205
Yeah, can I see my doctor, please?

119
00:07:03,372 --> 00:07:05,082
- Who's your doctor?
- Dr. Schwartz.

120
00:07:05,249 --> 00:07:07,126
- Stanley Schwartz?
- Yes, Stanley.

121
00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:09,712
- It's Stanley.
- Thank you.

122
00:07:09,878 --> 00:07:11,880
When was the last time
you were here?

123
00:07:12,089 --> 00:07:14,758
I don't know.
A couple of years ago. Why?

124
00:07:15,175 --> 00:07:19,722
- Dr. Schwartz passed away.
- Oh, no.

125
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,432
So where's Julie?

126
00:07:22,307 --> 00:07:23,851
Julie we had to let go.

127
00:07:24,018 --> 00:07:28,439
She was playing a little fast and loose
with the old prescription pad.

128
00:07:30,065 --> 00:07:32,943
I'm guessing Valium.

129
00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:36,405
Is there somebody else
who can see him?

130
00:07:36,572 --> 00:07:38,782
Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor,
okay?

131
00:07:38,949 --> 00:07:41,285
Dr. Talmadge took over
Dr. Schwartz's practice.

132
00:07:41,452 --> 00:07:44,204
It's a little tight right now,
but I could squeeze you in.

133
00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:46,999
That's kind of how this happened.

134
00:07:47,666 --> 00:07:50,961
Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury.

135
00:07:54,131 --> 00:07:56,258
Well, thank goodness you're okay.

136
00:08:07,227 --> 00:08:10,022
This is really gross.
Why do I have to do it?

137
00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:12,191
- You want your toilet seat back?
- Yes.

138
00:08:12,357 --> 00:08:14,485
Then keep scrubbing.

139
00:08:15,527 --> 00:08:19,198
You know, taking it wasn't funny.
I could have broke my butt.

140
00:08:19,364 --> 00:08:21,492
Oh, come on.
How could that not be funny?

141
00:08:23,994 --> 00:08:27,581
Don't forget to clean on the outside.
That's all you.

142
00:08:27,998 --> 00:08:31,418
- And the floor, and the wall.
- Okay, okay.

143
00:08:31,585 --> 00:08:33,837
How in the hell
did you hit the wall anyway?

144
00:08:34,004 --> 00:08:37,341
I don't know,
it just gets away from me sometimes.

145
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,385
After a day scrubbing toilets...

146
00:08:40,552 --> 00:08:44,640
...I'm betting you'll be able to pee
through a Cheerio at 10 paces.

147
00:08:45,766 --> 00:08:47,684
Oh, God.

148
00:08:47,851 --> 00:08:50,062
Oh, jeez.

149
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:51,563
Hey, guess what.

150
00:08:51,730 --> 00:08:54,816
The Soviet Union
is boycotting the Olympics.

151
00:09:00,822 --> 00:09:03,158
My pain is just a big joke
to you, isn't it?

152
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:06,161
I offered to help you, Charlie,
and you refused, so...

153
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:07,412
...yeah.

154
00:09:08,997 --> 00:09:12,167
I'll tell you, if you came to me
as a patient in this much pain...

155
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,836
...I wouldn't make you wait.
I'd see you right away.

156
00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:18,465
So would my dry cleaner,
but I don't let him touch me either.

157
00:09:18,632 --> 00:09:20,133
I could help you, Charlie.

158
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,803
I've already isolated
the source of your discomfort.

159
00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:25,472
All that's left would be
to realign your vertebrae...

160
00:09:25,639 --> 00:09:27,849
...through a gentle series
of manipulations and stretches...

161
00:09:28,016 --> 00:09:29,601
...thereby alleviating your pain.

162
00:09:32,396 --> 00:09:35,065
Well, you didn't explain it like that.
That's different.

163
00:09:35,232 --> 00:09:37,985
- So you'll let me work on you?
- Not in a million years.

164
00:09:39,611 --> 00:09:42,990
Fine. Worship at the altar
of the American Medical Association.

165
00:09:43,156 --> 00:09:45,784
Swallow the pharmaceutical companies'
propaganda.

166
00:09:45,951 --> 00:09:49,538
I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it,
I'll insert it rectally.

167
00:09:51,331 --> 00:09:53,959
Anything to kill the pain.
I'm dying here.

168
00:09:54,751 --> 00:09:56,628
Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.

169
00:09:56,795 --> 00:09:59,298
Hello, doctor.

170
00:10:01,675 --> 00:10:04,052
Hallelujah. It's a miracle.

171
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:11,525
So I see you're having some back pain.

172
00:10:11,984 --> 00:10:14,611
That will be $ 100, please.

173
00:10:16,447 --> 00:10:18,365
Yeah, it started in my back...

174
00:10:18,532 --> 00:10:22,786
...but now it's kind of radiating out
into a body-wide unbearable agony.

175
00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:25,873
You have a really cute little nose,
you know that?

176
00:10:26,665 --> 00:10:29,501
- Did the pain start in your lower back?
- Best I can tell...

177
00:10:29,668 --> 00:10:31,462
...it's a spasm between
L4 and L5.

178
00:10:31,628 --> 00:10:33,922
- Oh, are you a doctor?
- Yes, I'm a chiropractor.

179
00:10:34,089 --> 00:10:36,050
So no.

180
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:39,887
How did this happen?

181
00:10:40,054 --> 00:10:42,556
Well, I slipped.

182
00:10:42,765 --> 00:10:44,850
On an actress.

183
00:10:45,809 --> 00:10:47,770
I can handle this, Alan.

184
00:10:47,936 --> 00:10:50,272
Okay, see, the thing is,
I was in the middle of...

185
00:10:50,439 --> 00:10:52,066
An actress.

186
00:10:52,858 --> 00:10:54,318
I'm warning you.

187
00:10:54,485 --> 00:10:57,738
- Do the details really matter?
- No, no, I think I got the picture.

188
00:10:57,905 --> 00:11:00,324
There's video if you need it.

189
00:11:01,158 --> 00:11:02,493
Keep it up.

190
00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:05,537
Okay, I see here your last visit
was four years ago.

191
00:11:05,704 --> 00:11:07,706
A mild hernia brought about by...

192
00:11:07,873 --> 00:11:09,875
Okay. I think I'm seeing
a pattern here.

193
00:11:11,126 --> 00:11:14,046
He's a sexual compulsive
with narcissistic tendencies.

194
00:11:14,213 --> 00:11:16,507
Oh, so you're
a pretend psychiatrist too.

195
00:11:20,302 --> 00:11:22,304
So, what's the course
of treatment here?

196
00:11:22,471 --> 00:11:25,182
A pill, a shot?
Maybe one of those epidurals?

197
00:11:25,349 --> 00:11:28,185
First I'm going to get
your blood pressure and take x-rays.

198
00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:32,189
- I take blood pressure and x-rays.
- Your mother must be very proud.

199
00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:34,817
Actually, no.

200
00:11:35,317 --> 00:11:37,194
Someone will be in
to take you to x-ray.

201
00:11:37,361 --> 00:11:39,279
Wait. I'm still in pain.

202
00:11:39,613 --> 00:11:41,573
Try and hang in there.
In the meantime...

203
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:44,118
...maybe your little buddy
can give you a massage.

204
00:11:47,204 --> 00:11:51,083
- Can you believe her?
- Yeah, she is something else.

205
00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:54,086
Please don't tell me you're interested
in that condescending...

206
00:11:54,253 --> 00:11:55,838
...arrogant excuse for a woman.

207
00:11:56,004 --> 00:11:58,423
Pardon me, Alan,
but that is a condescending...

208
00:11:58,590 --> 00:12:01,260
...arrogant, hot excuse for a woman.

209
00:12:01,426 --> 00:12:04,721
She's just your typical obnoxious MD.

210
00:12:04,888 --> 00:12:06,974
I'm a doctor.
I have special license plates.

211
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:09,685
I can park wherever I want.

212
00:12:10,769 --> 00:12:13,188
I know where I wanna park.

213
00:12:13,772 --> 00:12:16,441
You're unbelievable.
Does your penis have an off switch?

214
00:12:17,484 --> 00:12:18,944
A pause button?

215
00:12:19,111 --> 00:12:21,655
No, just a little freckle.

216
00:12:22,781 --> 00:12:25,492
You're always telling me I should date
a better class of woman.

217
00:12:25,659 --> 00:12:27,119
What's classier than a doctor?

218
00:12:27,286 --> 00:12:30,998
Oh, please. Four years of med school,
two years of internship...

219
00:12:31,164 --> 00:12:35,085
...a year of residency,
and everybody thinks they're so special.

220
00:12:35,252 --> 00:12:37,629
But I'll tell you something.
A new day is dawning.

221
00:12:37,796 --> 00:12:41,466
A day of reckoning.
And it is spelled HMO.

222
00:12:43,635 --> 00:12:46,763
No more country clubs.
No more Cadillacs.

223
00:12:46,930 --> 00:12:51,560
Just sky-high insurance premiums
and low, slow, copay reimbursements.

224
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:54,813
Just like the rest of us.

225
00:12:55,397 --> 00:12:58,275
I'll bet she knows a lot
of secret anatomy stuff.

226
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:03,280
You know, places you touch
and the top of your head flies off.

227
00:13:04,990 --> 00:13:08,035
If you have sex with a doctor,
there's a chance they'll split...

228
00:13:08,201 --> 00:13:10,495
...in the middle of the night
for an emergency.

229
00:13:10,662 --> 00:13:12,789
Well, that's just a price
you'll have to pay.

230
00:13:12,956 --> 00:13:15,584
No, no. That works for me.

231
00:13:17,961 --> 00:13:20,422
Okay, I finished the toilet,
the shower...

232
00:13:20,589 --> 00:13:23,675
...and the sink.
- What took you so long?

233
00:13:23,842 --> 00:13:26,970
I went to the bathroom,
and I had to start over.

234
00:13:28,263 --> 00:13:30,599
Take these, and get started
on the kitchen floor.

235
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:32,809
Why? I didn't pee in here.

236
00:13:34,895 --> 00:13:36,563
Okay, once, but it was in the sink.

237
00:13:38,148 --> 00:13:40,317
The sink? How'd you manage that?

238
00:13:40,484 --> 00:13:43,987
It's not that hard. You just gotta
drink a lot of root beer, lean back...

239
00:13:44,154 --> 00:13:45,947
...and figure the angle.

240
00:13:50,535 --> 00:13:52,579
So tell me about Dr. Talmadge.

241
00:13:52,746 --> 00:13:55,707
- Is she seeing anybody?
- Yes.

242
00:13:55,874 --> 00:13:59,127
- Is it serious?
- Dog bite.

243
00:13:59,878 --> 00:14:02,047
- No, I mean...
- Charlie, give it a rest.

244
00:14:02,214 --> 00:14:03,632
What?

245
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:07,052
You're sitting here in pain
because of a casual sexual encounter...

246
00:14:07,219 --> 00:14:09,513
...and now you're trying
to drum up another one.

247
00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:13,975
- Yeah, so?
- Don't you get it?

248
00:14:14,142 --> 00:14:15,936
Your entire life is about jumping...

249
00:14:16,103 --> 00:14:19,022
...from one shallow,
meaningless relationship to the next.

250
00:14:19,856 --> 00:14:21,358
And?

251
00:14:21,983 --> 00:14:24,444
You're a grown man.
You can't go through life...

252
00:14:24,611 --> 00:14:28,115
...drinking and partying and humping
anything that doesn't shake you off.

253
00:14:28,657 --> 00:14:30,909
Yes, I can.

254
00:14:31,076 --> 00:14:33,328
But sooner or later,
it's gonna catch up to you.

255
00:14:33,495 --> 00:14:35,539
Eventually,
you will have to pay the piper.

256
00:14:35,705 --> 00:14:37,749
- Who says?
- Everybody says.

257
00:14:37,916 --> 00:14:40,043
Really? Because I'm just hearing you.

258
00:14:40,585 --> 00:14:43,880
If 2000 years of human history
has taught us anything...

259
00:14:44,047 --> 00:14:46,550
...it's that there is karmic justice
in the world...

260
00:14:46,716 --> 00:14:49,094
...and that when people live
the way you do...

261
00:14:49,261 --> 00:14:51,638
...bad things happen to them
to even things out.

262
00:14:51,805 --> 00:14:53,765
Well, I don't agree.

263
00:14:54,432 --> 00:14:56,059
It's not up for debate.

264
00:14:56,226 --> 00:14:58,937
It's a law, like gravity.

265
00:14:59,104 --> 00:15:01,106
Oh, I agree with gravity.

266
00:15:01,273 --> 00:15:03,692
Good, we wouldn't want you
flying off the planet...

267
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,694
...with nothing to hump
but satellites.

268
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:08,405
If it makes you feel better,
something bad happened.

269
00:15:08,572 --> 00:15:10,866
- I'm in excruciating pain.
- That's not enough.

270
00:15:11,616 --> 00:15:13,910
Trust me, Charlie.
The piper has yet to be paid.

271
00:15:14,077 --> 00:15:17,581
The only question is how high a tab
you want before the bill comes due.

272
00:15:19,332 --> 00:15:21,543
Okay. I get it.

273
00:15:22,043 --> 00:15:23,879
Well, good.

274
00:15:24,296 --> 00:15:27,549
So you think I have a shot
with that doctor, or what?

275
00:15:30,093 --> 00:15:33,430
It's like trying to talk Shakespeare
to a Hershey bar.

276
00:15:38,143 --> 00:15:40,103
Who's Piper?

277
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:48,612
Oh, you poor, clueless bitch.
Never trust a drifter with an eye patch.

278
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:51,615
- Berta.
- What?

279
00:15:51,781 --> 00:15:53,992
I'm tired,
and my hands are all red and pruney.

280
00:15:54,159 --> 00:15:56,119
I've seen your grades. Get used to it.

281
00:15:58,413 --> 00:15:59,748
How do I know when I'm done?

282
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:02,042
Don't worry about that, honey,
I'll tell you.

283
00:16:02,208 --> 00:16:06,087
Oh, for God's sakes, don't kiss him.
He's your brother.

284
00:16:07,714 --> 00:16:09,966
- I have x-rays.
- Oh, good. Let me see them.

285
00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:11,968
Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor.

286
00:16:12,677 --> 00:16:14,888
Hey, I'm a doctor.

287
00:16:15,055 --> 00:16:17,098
Oh, yeah? Where you parked?

288
00:16:21,353 --> 00:16:23,146
Alan, you gotta relax.

289
00:16:23,313 --> 00:16:26,816
You're harboring the kind of resentment
that eats away at your insides...

290
00:16:26,983 --> 00:16:30,487
...until you wake up one day
peeing blood and crapping into a bag.

291
00:16:30,654 --> 00:16:32,197
Thanks for the advice.

292
00:16:32,364 --> 00:16:34,491
You know the difference
between you and me?

293
00:16:34,658 --> 00:16:36,034
I have a functioning liver...

294
00:16:36,201 --> 00:16:38,370
...and somehow,
you're gonna get laid tonight.

295
00:16:39,162 --> 00:16:42,666
That's ridiculous, Alan.
She's an educated professional.

296
00:16:42,832 --> 00:16:45,710
Probably gonna have to throw
a few fancy meals at her first.

297
00:16:45,877 --> 00:16:48,088
Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait
a couple of weeks.

298
00:16:48,254 --> 00:16:49,923
Couple of weeks?

299
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,885
Anyway, the difference
between you and me...

300
00:16:54,052 --> 00:16:56,846
...is that when life gives me lemons,
I make lemonade.

301
00:16:57,013 --> 00:16:59,599
When you get lemons,
you just bite into them...

302
00:16:59,766 --> 00:17:01,976
...and suck them inside out.

303
00:17:03,436 --> 00:17:06,856
Okay. Let's see what we've got.

304
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:10,985
No fractures, no dislocations.

305
00:17:11,152 --> 00:17:14,989
- Looks like just a simple muscle spasm.
- Between L4 and L5?

306
00:17:15,156 --> 00:17:17,659
Oh, good for you.

307
00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:21,121
Okay, I am gonna give you a shot,
which should ease the pain...

308
00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:23,665
...and also allow
your muscles to relax.

309
00:17:23,832 --> 00:17:25,458
Have you had Demerol before?

310
00:17:25,625 --> 00:17:27,210
No, but I've heard nice
things about it.

311
00:17:28,002 --> 00:17:30,505
Okay, I'm just gonna pull
your shorts down a little.

312
00:17:30,672 --> 00:17:33,466
But Dr. Talmadge,
I don't even know your first name.

313
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:36,094
- Michelle.
- Michelle.

314
00:17:36,261 --> 00:17:37,679
That's prettier than Stanley.

315
00:17:41,474 --> 00:17:43,351
- Sorry.
- That's okay.

316
00:17:43,518 --> 00:17:47,647
It's all part of the little meet-cute
thing we got going here.

317
00:17:49,858 --> 00:17:52,652
So how long does it take
before I start feeling...

318
00:17:56,865 --> 00:17:58,741
...happy.

319
00:18:00,952 --> 00:18:05,206
Happy, happy, happy.
Happy.

320
00:18:05,373 --> 00:18:07,792
Michelle, did you know
I have a house on the beach?

321
00:18:08,376 --> 00:18:11,880
- Really? I love the beach.
- Oh, good, because I have a house there.

322
00:18:13,631 --> 00:18:17,010
Wait outside, I need to give your brother
a hernia exam to make sure...

323
00:18:17,177 --> 00:18:19,971
...he hasn't reinjured the area.
- A hernia exam.

324
00:18:22,056 --> 00:18:25,059
- And your boxers.
- Bye-bye, boxers.

325
00:18:30,023 --> 00:18:32,025
I was wrong. There's no justice.

326
00:18:32,192 --> 00:18:34,444
I thought there was justice,
but there's not.

327
00:18:34,611 --> 00:18:36,237
What, you think there's justice?

328
00:18:36,404 --> 00:18:38,531
Because there's not.

329
00:18:39,115 --> 00:18:40,450
Turn your head and cough.

330
00:18:43,494 --> 00:18:46,039
- You have very warm hands.
- Again.

331
00:18:46,205 --> 00:18:48,625
You have very warm hands.

332
00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:55,214
So any chance I could
take you out for dinner tonight?

333
00:18:55,381 --> 00:18:58,551
- You're hitting on me?
- You started it.

334
00:18:58,718 --> 00:19:01,554
- You're amazing.
- Well, statistically...

335
00:19:01,721 --> 00:19:04,682
...I'm only slightly above average.

336
00:19:05,099 --> 00:19:08,436
But I make up for it
with enthusiasm and perseverance.

337
00:19:08,603 --> 00:19:11,189
No, what's amazing
is that you don't remember me.

338
00:19:11,356 --> 00:19:12,982
Well, sure I remember you.

339
00:19:13,149 --> 00:19:16,361
You're the pretty woman cupping
my testicles from earlier.

340
00:19:16,527 --> 00:19:20,198
Back when I was in medical school,
you and I went out for a couple months.

341
00:19:23,660 --> 00:19:25,578
You wanna loosen your grip there?

342
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:27,955
Then for reasons I never understood...

343
00:19:28,122 --> 00:19:30,875
...you stopped calling me,
and started seeing my roommate.

344
00:19:32,293 --> 00:19:34,337
The grip.

345
00:19:35,588 --> 00:19:37,757
I always hoped I'd run into you again.

346
00:19:38,132 --> 00:19:41,969
Please. Just leave me one.

347
00:19:42,887 --> 00:19:45,515
Oh, dear God.

348
00:19:46,182 --> 00:19:48,768
My brother's making lemonade.

349
00:19:55,607 --> 00:19:57,275
I need to go to the bathroom.

350
00:19:57,442 --> 00:19:59,236
So go.

351
00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:04,157
Oh, yeah.

352
00:20:13,458 --> 00:20:15,043
Good night.
I'll see you tomorrow.

353
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:16,837
- Night.
- Night.

354
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:20,048
So, are you gonna tell me
what happened with you and the doctor?

355
00:20:20,215 --> 00:20:21,550
What do you think happened?

356
00:20:22,884 --> 00:20:24,845
I think she shot you full of drugs...

357
00:20:25,011 --> 00:20:27,139
...you dropped trou,
she jumped your bones...

358
00:20:27,305 --> 00:20:29,808
...and you're the luckiest bastard
to walk the earth.

359
00:20:30,517 --> 00:20:33,311
Well, for your information...

360
00:20:33,478 --> 00:20:35,939
...that's exactly what happened.

361
00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:40,152
Not even a little justice.

362
00:20:40,318 --> 00:20:44,072
This is a justice-free zone.

363
00:20:44,865 --> 00:20:47,951
Looking for justice?
Sorry, fresh out.

364
00:20:49,369 --> 00:20:51,913
Enjoy sucking on that lemon.

365
00:20:53,915 --> 00:20:56,501
Nope, not yet.

366
00:21:20,859 --> 00:21:22,944
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

367
00:21:23,111 --> 00:21:25,197
[ENGLISH]